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blah blah blah blah....
Apr. 28th, 2005
12:55 pm - the poem
heres a couple the first one is my newest. hopes its enjoyed.
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I’ve lived in the land of the darkness
Where fear and hate take over your heart
Where your soul cries out its hunger
And your life is torn apart
I’ve danced with the shadows of evil
They play nasty games with your mind
They tear you to tiny bloody pieces
Left in the dark for no one to find
You’re always looking over your shoulder
For you know not what creeps up from behind
Walking deeper into the dark emptiness
Eyes gouged out, leaving you blind
For many times you trip and fall
And you’re broken from head to toe
Constantly crying out for help
But no one comes and no one shows
You feel completely hopeless
And in this dark forever you’ll dwell
You shake uncontrollably of fear
Finding yourself in a cold dark lonely cell
You’re left there to starve
Like a prisoner never to be set free
Dirt stained face and bloody hands
Doesn’t matter no one can see
You’re told to be silent
That a whisper or even a silent cry
Will lead you to the chambers
Where you’re meant to rot and die
You try to be brave
But you grow limp and afraid
Lost and abandoned
Left and betrayed
So no longer you hang on
Just let this demon beat you down
Leaving your heart and its remains
Smashed into nothing in the ground
You don’t ask for help
Or wipe the tears from your eyes
You no longer wonder in fear
If anyone hears your heart’s cries
Little did you know
That someone paid the dues
For you to be set free from this
But only if you choose
For a long time you never knew
That escaping this could be done
You never knew there was a man
Who fought the dark and won
Little did you know in the world
A battle was fought for you
So you to can see the light
A man to help you through
So just before you drifted off
Into the world of darkness and death
Someone came running in
Who gave you life and gave you breath
They held the smallest brightest candle
And dropped it to the ground
Picked you up and held you
Once lost but finally found
He held you in his arms that day
For what seemed like eternity
Told you never to be afraid again
Because He loves you wait and see
He asked me if I loved Him
And in His arms wanted to stay
I told him with my whole heart
Thanks for saving me today
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sure one more lol... i'm in a posting sort of mood lol
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Skin Deep
Today i lift my prayer to you
because i just dont feel like me
when i looked in the mirror this morning
i didnt like what i could see
i just dont feel as beautiful
as you remind me that i was made
the huge bags under my eyes
and my hair with split ends and frayed
its just one of those mornings
that i wish i could crawl back in bed
but im praying to you to help me through
these crazy thoughts running through my head
i need you to remind me
that beauty's more than just skin deep
that it doesnt matter about my hair and looks,
or the bags under my eyes from not getting any sleep
its not about how big my clothes are
or what size shoes i wear
its about the size of my heart
and all that i keep there
so please as i pray to you
i pray its my heart you keep
and remind me every morning
that beauty is a whole lot more than skin deep
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alright one more and thats it..no more lol...
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One step forward
Six steps back
The desire to be well
And the will to recover I lack
Struggles every night
Day in and day out
Starving to be thin
Is all life’s about
One step forward
Back another five
Deciding I’d rather live
So I fight to stay alive
Struggles every night
Day in and do out
Starving to be thin
Is all life’s about
One step forward
Only back four
Learning there’s more to me
And it’s worth fighting for
Struggles every night
Day in and day out
Starving to be thin
Is all life’s about
One step forward
Back only three
I’m starting to realize
I can set myself free
Struggles every night
Day in and day out
Starving to be thin
Is all life’s about
One step forward
Back just two
I’m starting to improve
But sometimes I lose
Struggles every night
Day after day
Learning how to fight
And slowly break away
One step forward
Another to the side
Side stepping this demon
Because now I know he lied
Struggles every night
But it’s worth all the pain
Because by only moving forward
I have so much more to gain
and that concludes our poetry posting session...take care love you tons
~Becky~
12:39 pm - wow
WOW!!! I have not updated in an extra super long time, like 3 months. How crazy is that? A lot has happened since than. I am running and competeing again. It's amazing I love the girls on the team and I love just being out there running and giving God the glory in an awesome talent He gave me. Speaking of God, I am relying on Him more and more everyday. He is my only true best friend I can count on 100% of the time, and I am okay with that. I have many friends I can't count on. But everyone is human and their love fails oh I wrote an awesome poem..well I've been writing a lot. People are seriously pushing me to get published and get out there because I have an awesome gift for writing. I'm actually starting to believe it. I'm actually starting to believe in myself. For about the last two months I have been in recovery from my eating disorder :) rock on. There are still days where I struggle but in the past about 80 days i've slipped up maybe 6 times. That is just amazing. I love being healthy so much better. It's kind of sad the year is almost over and I'll move back home. But than again for the summer I will be down in Florida for 10 weeks. Panama City Beach. It's a christian thing where you learn more about God, grow closer to Him. They have you get a full time job to help cover expenses and the cost of what you don't raise before you go. I already am not the same person I was when I graduated high school. Just thinking of how much I will change this summer that far away from home and everyone and everything I ever knew is exciting. School is going really good too. Last semester I had like a 3.25 gpa this semester is probably about the same. I honestly must say despire how miserable I was and everything that's happened in my past I am very thankful for it. I am thankful for people hating me and making fun of me and just not being good friends, because it is making me into an awesome young adult. By being hated I am now learning what real love and real friendship feels like. By being put down and discouraged in the past and told I would never make it. I am learning what it is like to make and to be successful. By being away from home and being forced to step into territory I have never dared enter I am learning who I am. But most importantly by giving up my past and forgiving everything that happened I am setting myself free. (oh yea I got this awesome book, its called beauty by the book seeing yourself as God sees you. its amazing i recommend it to anyone who puts their faith and life in the hands of Jesus) I am learning so much here, but its not in the classrooms (well okay some there too) but outside in my relationships and what I see. One thing about me though hasn't changed and I am very happy to say that. I still have never done a drug or drank, and I don't ever plan on doing drugs and as for drinking maybe in a year when i'm 21 i will but i don't plan on getting smashed or whatever it's called. being here is amazing for that too. I dont feel so alone with my DARE attitude for lack of a better term. there are a lot of ppl out here who feel as i do. and speaking of being 21 in a year. my 20th birthday was the best birthday ever. i spent it with missy some of her friends and some of my friends. we met up for the brewer game than went midnight bowling. I've never had a better birthday. thanks guys. your all amazing.!!! :)
well i dont come home much anymore. i regret not comming home a lot because my family who i love very much means a lot to me. and i still have not visited sassy (where we buried her, she was put to sleep about 3 weeks ago) i already miss my best puppy. but other than the family i care and love so much, and a job i rarely work there isnt really anything in Waukesha left for me. It helped build me up to who i am and who I am becoming, but as for friends i have to be honest i really wouldn't count the people i used to call my friends as a friend anymore. Sometimes i question if they ever were real true honest friends. I'm not saying i hate them or i dont care about them i always will and do care and i enjoy the memories of the good times. but as for now, i've moved on for the most part. and there's not an ounce of regret in my heart. well i guess that is enough updating and blah blah blahing. i have to go study before sociology at 2. take care, love yourselfs so others may love you in return and God Bless.
~Becky~
"Do not give up on hope, for hope has not given up on you."
oh yea i'll post my awesome poem i wrote. cuz i am super proud of it. love yas
Jan. 26th, 2005
09:02 am - not a whole lot
well i suppose i will update once again. i dont do it all that often...but hey nothing real important happens in my life..on a good note i qualified and hit my time in track so i am able to compete on a bad note i missed practice monday morning cuz my alarm didnt go off..punishment i have to miss the next meet which ends up being my first. it sux...but i suppose its better i got the sleep and everything happens for a reason. so i'm trying to keep a positive head about this and just telling myself it gives me more time to get into shape and stuff. track is frustrating right now, i mean i'm not running near the times i was in high school. its almost i guess like learning to walk all over again i just wish i could run as fast as i could before. i need to learn to be patient and accept that its going to take time. my body is recovering and still fighting a lot. its not used to this anymore.
on another note my classes seem to be going good they dont seem that difficult but i just remembered something i'm supposed to do..hopefully i'll be home this weekend take care luv you all
~Becky~
" you can't push anyone up a ladder unless he is willing to climb it themselve."
Jan. 13th, 2005
10:35 pm
a great man passed away. i dont think a single person ever knew him as unhappy. he was strong..he was the only guy i've seen 200% comfortable in his own skin. i'm still in shock. no one close has ever died. well once i was to little. he seriously was great. thats why god he needed him. because he had the biggest heart. it hit me like a ton of bricks tho. i mean him and my aunt got married six months ago...i knew him from work for going on 6 years. i remember the first day i met him when i started. the firm hand shake the happiness in his eyes. hes a perfect example of what it means to love life and ot care for peopel even though they may not show it in return. he seroiusly was gods child. and he made it known. he was there for anyone he did anything for anyone. but at least we have another angel watching over the world and us..and especially aunt kim..itd be soo cool if she was blessed with a child. its what she wanted...for christmas. i guess love kims in a life so fast. and when it leaves just as quick by surprise its hard to grasp. but at least the love never completely leaves. the body's gone but the loves there more than ever. the whole store knew him..its almost like a national holiday you'd think. he deserved the best and he got it. he got kim and now he has god too. ppl loved him and he loved ppl. and it hurts right now..but we're all strong. and god gives us challenges to help build our strength..this is def a challenge and will help us all understand the importance of life love and learning. god bless rest in peace mike..we miss you already...
~Becky~
Jan. 11th, 2005
10:44 am - just a lil update
well i am updating once again. not much going on...my first race is comming up :) so excited. i just have ot make the trial time on saturday i can do it tho. ummm my first semester went GREAT!!! i had a 3.255 gpa. which wow blew me out of the water...math was hard. brought medown froma 3.69 to a 3.255 but hey i'm above 3.0 so that means i'm on deans list :) who hoooo...umm ive been working a lot..i ended up not getting the car due ot lack of funds..or well problems saving money haha. but i am getting one...its just going to take a little longer...cuz those damn school books cost so much. ummm i go back end of this week cuz we have a mandatory practice on saturday. so that should be exciting. i'm taking on like 17 credits..lets hope its not too much. track counts as a credit so that should be easy lol. well i'm off talk yo u later luv yas
~Becky~
Dec. 21st, 2004
05:20 pm - comming home :)
YAY GUESS WHO'S COMMING HOME TONITE......ME!!! i'm soo happy to come home....i miss my sisters, my family, and the few friends i have left in waukesha. and trust me i'm not complaining about having a few friends in waukesha..cuz i made some great friendships out here. i love the people out here. the people from high school well...i am noticing we never really clicked. kinda sad..but kinda makes me realize how much i've grown up :) growing up is good. my finals went great i'm thinking i'll have arond a 3.0 the team is great too. oh and guess what...i'll probably or well more hopefully be getting car this month when i'm home....thats right my own set of wheels..so excited. i love college. college is so for me. and me and some people already plan on getting together over break. i'm excited for christmas..got some shopping done already. ahh life couldn't be better these days..i'm still having a hard time dealing with the weight i'm at..but its minimal compared to seeing my family.. and just doing well in school. and with running i'm getting back into shape...oh i started lifting..thats right weight room my max bench is only 70 and my max squat is like 125..not a lot..but its good for me thinking i'd be lucky to just do the bar. lol..well i'm rambling..but its cuz 'im happy i'm comming home...well i'll talk to you all later...ha like many people read this anymore...i'm thinking of deleting it..i mean seriously whats the point of putting your life online for anyone to read...i dont get it..but it is soemtthing to do...lol...well i'm out
god bless
~Becky~
Dec. 7th, 2004
09:37 am - yup sure is good
things are going really well for me...i am barely in my room now..i have a great group of friends. and with being on the team finally i'm hoping its goign to get bigger. the girls are super nice. and schools going good. my math is getting hard right now so i need to find someone who can help me out. hmmm other than that...not much really going on. i am coming home again to work...haha of course. it does suck tho that math final is on a saturday..but i can miss group once its no biggie. ummmm not much else going on. well i am out of things to say andi have to go register for classes. later
luv yas
~Becky~
" there is a crack in everything thats how the light gets in"
Dec. 1st, 2004
11:30 am - SNOW!!!!!!
yay there is snow and it is sunny out..it is not a depressing day out side its about time..unfortunately do to the circumstances last nite that i had to go home after my apt. i missed an awesome snow fight with more than 50 ppl jami said :( and i am soo up for one...so i challenge you all to a snow fight lol :) hmmm oh yea and practice starts tomarrow..how cool is that...today couldnt be a better day :) well i am off i have to see the chiropractor..and it better not hurt. take care luv ya lots...its begining to look a lot like christmas hehehe. and you all behave and enjoy the snow..oh yes and drive safe...
~Becky~
Nov. 29th, 2004
09:54 am - yay!!
well i had a good thanksgiving i hope all of you did as well..not much going on here. i'm soo happy no body could understand how happy i am..because i becky am allowed to start training with the team on thursday..thats right guys i worked my wittle butt off and it payed off. lol so i'm doing in door track..i just hope the girls dont ask why i was gone. or hate me and i seriously hope i dont mess this up...but i i'm happy despite being afraid too. i'm so happy i got to spend time with my sisters and friends....u know vanessa, missy, katy,anna(which i was soo happy to see her..to bad she had to go back to cali so soon)and a bunch of ppl from church. it was AWESOME!! LOL I WENT TO MY LIKE FIRST PARTY EVER HEHE..NO ALCOHOL OR DRUGS THO..BUT IT WAS FUN AND THATS WHAT COUNTS. OOPS CAPS SOORy lol katy has adopted an awful lot of my clothes..she does look cute in them..so i took it upon myself to go shopping and get myself some more. what an excuse to go shopping im happy to be back at school.but i miss home i always miss home..i got soo used to sleeping in my own bed and now i'm back on a brick lol. ummm lets see anything else going on....taps brain and paces around room...nope not really. i just had a good weekend. and wait no i didnt have a good weekend...i had an extremely awesome kick ass good weekend :) :) !!!well i'm going to go....take care luv yas lots
~Becky~
Nov. 22nd, 2004
11:44 am - hey
well things are going well...hopefully wednesday my appointment will go well and ill be able to start witht the team december second. work sucks but hey...everyeone needs money somehow i guess. so i'm very very excited..theres these ppl who live down the street and when i went running yesterdayi saw they had kids so i stopped by to see if htey need babysitters..she said she'll def use us ( meaning katy,missy,and me.) i siad that i'm at school and that i have two sisters. who are very good with kids too. and that missy is certified assistant child care teacher..we are going to meet the kids on friday after work..the day after thanksgiving. i'm excited. she wants us to meet them all before she has us babysit because her 10 year old daughter has down syndrom and has the mind of a three year old and is bipolor so she doesnt want to just throw her at us. i'm very excited to meet them. i think i can handle..besides it would be fun to baby sit again. she also asked how much i charge..i never thought about that. but she said she'd pay anything to have a night out with her husband. shes a stay at home mom so she is always home with the kids and she got married when she had her daughter and the husband had two sons already. and they also now havea kid together whos about 3. she also mentioned something about trying for another or having another. thats soo cool thats 2-4 kids...two of the boys are there everyother weekend. but tey were so happy and i'm excited..a little extra money would be nice form y bills and stuff. ummm not much else going on. i'm excited for thanksgiving. be home in my bed for a while...i'm definately excited cuz annas in wisconsinand me and her are hangin gout on wednesday :) its going to be kick ass awesome...cuz i've missed her..someday i will fly out to see her. ummm lets seee. katy has now been adopting my clothes..especially the ones that don't fit me as well anymore..but she looks soo cute in them...shes even wearing pink so i dont mind sharing i just hope she doesnt stain them. schools going good..just got a math test back i thought i did bad i got a 93% how awesome is that. ummmm lets see im in a super good mood more often and i notice i'm having a life again. i played david and katy in monopoly..and u know i think its the first time anyone in our family aacutally finished that game...well katy quit after an hour..but after about 4 long hours i totalley kicked davids ass :) :) go me. i notice too that i just am doign better..and i am very proud of myself for not using my roommates scale for about a week now..its soo hard...i get so close to getting on it but i yell at myself pretty much and remind m;yself indoor track season training starts December 2nd. oh i am very scared that i could be weighing like 200 lbs...but i have to trust i'm not. i'm starting to make some very awesome friends here too...its really kool...but of course..i still sometims wish i could be little again..because college is going by fast too.. i mean u blink and the good stuffs gone so i haveto learn to enjoy what i have. well i am out god bless you all..and luv you all and maybe see some of you during thanksgiving...but of course i'm working a lot :( take care much love
~Becky~
Nov. 11th, 2004
10:26 am
MY HOROSCOPE FOR TODAY...
"You could be in for quite a shock at some point. People will surprise you no matter how well you think you know them. If you can't learn to live with it, try to figure out a way to proceed without them. Keep in mind that if something isn't set in stone, it's most likely subject to change -- and even being set in stone is no guarantee. It's best just to cut your losses and move on. Don't waste too much time planning a strategy for resisting the unknown. It isn't worth the fight."
I CAN KINDA SEE WHERE THAT FITS IN LOL..HOROSCOPES ARE FUNNY :)
10:14 am - hmm
well things are going okay. my appointments went well. i have myrunning back, but from what coach says my workouts are..it still seems more like a punishment than a passion of mine still..i just wish it could be normal..so last nite i got back from home and i went to go pee. (yes i know you all love the details) and my room mate one of them who i share a bathroom with put a scale in there..so talk about tempation..and me being weak..got on it..needless to say i hate my dietician, she said she would tell me if i was not in the 130's well the scale said 140 :( its horrible. i knew i was fat i knew it i cant trust my treatment team. and i know you can say you weigh diff amounts during the day..but this was in the morning when i first woke up after i went to the bathroom. thats when i shoudl weigh less. ugh..i hate this..this scale is not going to be good. and i saw my roommate also has diet pills. oh what a tangled web this is...it makes me feel like i should be on them too. ah but i won't go on em. i have to do this, i have to get better. im trying so hard. i just dont want to be restricted so much with my running. and i just dont want to be fat. if only there was a way to get better w/o gaining weight..well i have to look at the bright side i can do some running today..i'll probably do it after my 11 class b4 english..that way i'll be in a beter mood. and than later me and shantel are goig to go shoot hoops :) oh i hope this morning and day gets better..at least the suns out :) ( i have to finish on a positive lol)
Becky
Nov. 4th, 2004
02:26 pm - letter to Ed.
Dear Ed,
I used to be able to call my best friend, my only friend, the only thing I ever had. I used to fight to keep you in my life. But now I’m not so sure, I used to believe everything you told me I could have if I just listened to you and did everything you wanted me to do. You’d told me I’d be faster, but am I faster, if faster being sidelined, not only from my running but my life as well, you told me people will like me more but is locking myself in my room or even in my head making me much of a person at all? Sometimes when I look in the mirror and into my eyes I just see this huge empty void, no longer a sparkling, energetic, outgoing, caring, loving person; just space. If the eyes are the way to a persons soul to their life than you took it. You took it my soul fed off it and made me into a monster. You took everything that was once so innocent and free into nothing but trash. Food to me is no longer nourishment, it has become a sign of weakness, its not there to make you strong its only there to make you weak, at least that’s what you told me. But you’re wrong, because I quit eating and I’ve only gotten weaker not just physically but mentally as well. The only thing not eating made stronger was you! It wasn’t supposed to happen that way. I was supposed to keep the control but you took that all too. I don’t understand why but you took everything and I don’t what this anymore E.D. I don’t want to wake up every morning hating myself and punishing myself for eating or stupid little things. I’ve given you so many chances to prove yourself to me and you haven’t yet. I’ve lost faith in you, everything so far has been lies, dark cold, lonely, hollow, empty lies. I think its time to give someone else a chance, someone who’s supposed to be better than you A LOT better. And even though I didn’t like her before even came into my life and took her from me maybe she’s changed. I’m curious who she is now and what she’s like, and even if she hasn’t changed it’s been a long time what she was like and I want to know. And I think its time for me to capture what once was mine, what was once me, and decide for myself if I like her. I want to live again and I want to try to live with out you.
I don’t want to hold onto you anymore like a child does with their safety blanket, you’ve kept me from nothing but life and living and being happy. I need to let you go and I’d wish you’d let go too because this relationship isn’t a true friendship. Friendships are give and take relationships, but you’ve only taken from me, or what have you given me, heartache, pain, loneliness nothing a true friend would give someone. I’m done with your stupid games, “eat a little less” “oh you’re almost there”, well I never got near where you wanted me to be because every time I get there where “I should be” changes. I’m done falling into your cold, lonely, dark, black hole. I can’t be sucked into it anymore, not if I want to be someone someday. You have done one thing for me though, you’ve made me a stronger person, stronger in the way that I can decide what to do with my body and my life. Well I’m using your own lesson against you E.D. Well It’s my life and my body I can do with it what ever I please so get out of my life and stay out!!!! I don’t have to listen to you anymore either. I can listen to who I want and I don’t have to listen to you I’m an adult I make decisions if I chose to stop listening I will and I do. I’m going to listen to my heart now, I’m going to try to do what’s right for me. Oh sure I’m scared and I know its not going to be easy, it hasn’t been yet. But I’m not sure I was ready to move on before, after Sunday I know better now, I know for sure you took all the control and I’m going to gain it back, someday I will be 100% free of you and you wont touch me again. I can look at being scared several ways. I can run from it forever even though its impossible to run from change and it eventually catches you. Or I can face it and live and learn from it. I was scared about going to college. I was scared no one would like me, or I wouldn’t make it. Well look at me now I’m doing just fine here. Oh no I’m not perfect I don’t think I’ll ever be perfect or in your eyes perfect. But I’m perfectly imperfect, I’m learning that now. That its okay to not be perfect and good at everything and that striving for perfection puts me farther and farther from it anyway.
You’ve hurt me E.D. and you continue to do so. If we were friends you’d stop hurting me and try helping me instead. If you respected me and cared for me like you said you did you’d accept my decision that we need to go separate ways. Because friends do that they respect the others persons decision even if they don’t believe its right.
Right before my very own eyes I’ve watched myself disintegrate into nothing, all because I thought a perfect body would make everything better. I see other people having a great time and being cared for and I wish I could have a great time and be cared for too. And now that I’ve met people who do care for me and want to help it makes me crazy, should I let them, do I deserve it, or is it all fake are they just trying to be nice, I keep fighting you screaming those lies in my head that they don’t care that I’m to ugly to be cared for that I don’t deserve it. I’m not going to let you push these people away like you did all the other people in the past. I’ve been disconnected for way to long. I know I can do this. And the days I don’t think I can there are a lot more people who care and believe in me than I thought ever could. And even if not another human believed in me two people still do. The little girl inside of me who when someone told her she couldn’t do anything did go out and prove she could and God. He never stopped believing in me, he actually gave you to me to make me a stronger better person. There’s a quote by Mother Theresa that says exactly how I feel. “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.” Well he does trust me and I need to believe in him because you, a monster, took my life right from under my nose. Like I lion sneaking up on its prey than attacking and devouring it with out a single breath, you too snuck up on me and attacked and devoured me.
I hate you and all that you’ve don’t to me, to my life, to other people I care about that I’ve met because of you. No it’s not a bad thing I met them, but it is bad I met you. I hate you because now I am nothing but a food obsessed, appearance crazed girl who has better things to do than listen to a monster like you.
I used to love you. I used to believe you were my everything, my only thing. That’s not true you know? There’s more to me than you, I’m not sure what yet, but I’m going to find out and someday I’ll prove it to you and you’ll be sorry we ever met. You had no right to take my life from me, and now its my turn to take the one and only life I’ll ever take as long as I’m alive, yours!! You’ve ruined me and I can’t let it happen any longer.
~Becky~
02:24 pm - running
I’m a runner, most people don’t understand that. Most people don’t even take the time to ask me why I run or how I feel when I run, or why it does mean so much to me. A lot of people assume that just because I have an eating disorder running is another crazy obsession I have. But its not that, it’s a whole lot more. It’s a part of me, it will always be a part of me. I bundle up on days that are below freezing, I strip down to almost nothing on days that are hot and humid despite the fact I hate how my body looks because running is more to me than losing weight or part of an eating disorder. It’s almost an escape, a place where I can be free from the eating disorder, where I can be with the family I run with, or where I can just be myself. Nobody will completely understand. I have no right asking them to. But it’d be nice if they at least would try, if they would try to understand where I am coming from and why running does mean so much to me .Why I love running in the rain. Why I love running for over an hour “just because.” Why I love competing. Why I love the sense of togetherness teams have on race day; everyone there is there for the same reason, to run and to give there best. I never thought I could be much good at anything I never thought I could amount to anything, than I took up running and I was doubt full at first but I promised I would give it my best for a week ‘cause I could always quit. But I fell in love with it instantly and to my surprise I wasn’t awful at it. I could always be myself when I ran. I didn’t have to feel the pressure to fit into a world where I didn’t belong. The best part was I was good at it. But the better part was it made me feel good, no matter what my time was I just knew that I gave it my best shot that day and that’s what mattered, that I gave it my best everyday. Every morning I would wake up happy and excited to start the day but I would look forward to after school when I would have practice. I still love running I still want to become the best runner I can be. I want to be part of that family again. The family I was taken away from, a family I was a part of. I was left alone, with no one to enjoy runs with no one to compete against, no one to understand what it all means to me. I worked so hard every single day to be the best runner I could, I even promised to myself that as long as I was in season I would eat healthy I would try my very best to eat healthy even though I hated it. No one understood that. I kept my promise. I ate during track season as best I could as healthy I could. Now running is losing its meaning. It’s a form of punishment a way to reward me if I did something right. It’s become a game of tug and war I don’t want that anymore I want my running back. If I could have that if I could be able to compete one more time if I could run with a team again I can almost guarantee that I would start doing better again because I would have a little tiny piece of my heart back. I would feel like I belong somewhere again. Yes I know my running isn’t everything, its just a big thing to me, to parents there lives are their kids, to kids their lives are their school their play mates who they’ll sit by at lunch, an adults job is sometimes their passion like to me my life is my running, its my desire, my passion, a drive I have to be good at it someday. And when I don’t have that I’m miserable. Now I don’t get the runners high, I barely remember what it feels like and now I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished something that means something to me in the past few months. My grades mean a lot to me, my family means a lot to me. I try hard in all aspects of my life but my running, my running I had a huge passion for. No one could understand that. I used to love running in the rain. Those were the days I would feel the most free I would feel the best. I’m still not quite sure why, maybe because the rain would just wash all my problems away. Racing in the rain was even better it really determined the strong from the weak. Whenever I ran everything was right with the world, I didn’t have a care in the world I would focus on other things how I felt, how great it felt to cross the finish line, my form, my breathing, I would have a good time with the girls I ran with. But now, now that I can’t just go put on my running shoes, go for a run, and feel good about myself at least about something and/ or have a great time with the team, with my family. I’m not happy. I’m not quite sure where I fit into the world anymore. I feel like part of my identity part of my life my passion is being taken away from me. Anyone can call that obsession except those that understand where I’m coming from. Or maybe those that at least tried to understand where I’m coming from.i always held onto my running, my greatest passion because it kept the eating disorder from taking me over completely when it started to effect my running it hurt but i still new i could be myself when i ran, when that was taken away from me, thats when the eating disorder became everything, my only thing, all i had and now with out my running i'm lost in the world i'm not who i'm supposed to be, its easy for someone who has there running or who hasnt had anything taken away to say well its ur choice to get it back, but i can almost gaurantee until i can use my running how i used to as a place to be me, to be free and to do what i love to do and have fun doing it nothings going to change completely. because i still feel like being put on restrictions and told what to do and what not to do with it. puts me only in the category of an eating disorder not of becky. no one probably understands any of this but thats okay because obviously no one even tries to understand me, becky whats hidden beneath the the crap.
Nov. 2nd, 2004
02:36 pm - oh wow
oh wow!! i have not updated for months..i was just going through and checking out the wonderful world of livejournal..i dont come here often anymore..i guess its pretty much in the past..u know...so here i am at college..despite the fact i was scared if i would survive...if i would make friends...or even do well...i'm not doing too bad..even though the semesters half over..i'm just starting to make friends..but i think its good for me...i mean the friendships that take time to make are the important ones...my grades arent too bad either..like 2 A's 2 B's and a D..(psych is really kicking my butt..but its getting better :) ) so i'm not doing too bad. ummm its really hard sometimes with the whole eating disorder thing..but i'm getting better. i did almost quit treatment..but i'm not going to. its just hard getting used toa changing body one u've been afraid of so long..i feel like if i toned up i would feel a lot better about eating..so i'm going to start doing abs...sometime this week. oh guess what for those of you who know me and actually is going to read this(if anyone) i actually have skipped classes..lol i'm supposed to be in one right now..but its okay...its not like i'm failing and i'm ahead in a couple of my classes. the worlds been treating me well..for the most part..i have no money well i'm at school cuz there are no campus jobs..but who needs money any way..it just makes ppl not themselves...oh yea...i joined pcf (parkside christian fellowship) i havent realized until recently that i have stepped way back from god because i have lost faith in him..but the girls there are a huge help...they care sooo much for me..i dont think i've ever had a friend care for me like these girls do...and come to find out..i'm not the only "goody goody" on the planet either...through pcf i have met other people who have not done drugs or have gone drinking..its so nice and comforting to know that i'm not some freak..they dont pressure anyone into anything...and they truelly are a blessing to me...its soo sad its their 4th year for some..but i'm still happy i met them and now i know i'm not alone in the world...but anyway..i should be going now..me and jamie(my awesome roommate we get along soo well its awesome we havent fought about anything...we're both really shy too so it was good we had each other the 1st couple weeks) are going to go shoot hoops and hopefully ppl will show up to play cuz horse gets boring after the first 15 mins. oh yea..its soo weird...i never thought i was well..never mind..no body needs to know about anything else...i must say though being here as made me even more responsible..( i never thought i could get anymore responsible and i dunno i can't put a finger on it) my self esteem needs more work...but lately ppl have been talkign to me in classes..i'm really starting to feel like i fit in here...not quite but i'm getting there...oh weekends here terribly boring!!! oh i'm soo excited anna is coming to town for thanksgiving and me and her are going to hang out!!! :) :) and melinda is supposed to be coming into town this saturday :) i'm soo happy ... well take care...
~Becky~
"God never give me anything i can't handle. i just wish he didnt trust me so much" Mother Theresa
Jul. 27th, 2004
07:12 pm - short little update
well...i dont write much in here..i really see no reason to everyone i once talked to..i am no longer in touch with.. theres no reason to be in touch. values, and morals have changed lifes have changed so we have drifted apart. i'm beginig a new life..and thus so are the others. my summer has been far from uneventful..other than seeing the guy in the tree who commited suicide..or having the breaks stop working in the car today(it was horrible i seriously was scared for my life) and coach telling me to rethink my running. i've been working nonstop no joke as of today its been 8 days straight, meaning no time off and i still dont have off till fri so thats what like 11 days left. theres not much to tell the ppl who really are no longer a part of my life. just that things change ppl change and lives grow apart. i hope there are no hard feelings of me losing touch with anyone. but face it..i'm not meant for this i have a problem i'm working on, which at the moment is on a huge down hill decline.. but whatever..lifes brings challenges into someones life and whatever...my head hurts too much to think. but whatever..not much else to say. i'm out later days...you all have fun now
~Becky~
Jul. 15th, 2004
09:39 am - hmmm
well things in my life..are getting really weird..i mean i see a guy hanging..i dont sleep anymore..and ugh just everything. i have alot going on in my head right now..it wouldn't make any sense to anyone. hell it doesnt make sense to me..i hate having a therapist. its like b4 i go i can think of a few things we coudl talk about..but when i get there..its like i forgot..or i just never can put things into words..it sux..i'm still supposed to call her about what i'm eating. :( its the worst..and soo embarrassing. but ahh well...i will say i'm getting worried for college. i mean friends, gettign good, grades, running well, and staying healthy enuff (esp w/o parents and stuff) that i dont end up in a hospital. damn if i move in that day is going to be EMOTIONAL but hey..i can do this..i just have to keep telling myself i can make it through college. after all high school had to be worse..right ahh who knows well i'm out later.
~Becky~
Jul. 11th, 2004
09:53 am - well
its been an eventful week. i was told at group i'm supposed to deal with the feelings i have from seeing what i saw. but i really dont have any feelings about it. and of course they said hence the eating disorder..its my way of coping. but i dunno. its all messed up. i'm starting to make the corrolation that it really isnt abotu the food. but still the fear of getting fat is there. and i have no idea how to deal with feelings that i dont feel. they think i should talk to katy cuz she saw him too. which could be really bad for her too. i dunno. whatever. but i cant wait till wed. theres someone i wont see till than that i really wish i could talk to. and its not my therapist. but whatever. i'm out later days. and hopefully better. with more sleep much love
~Becky~
Jul. 5th, 2004
08:28 pm
its like i'm out of control
but i have it all
i can handle this
but why do i fall
you ask me whats wrong
the answer i can't tell
i'm trapped in my own world
stuck inside a shell
i want help so badly
but its what i deny
lately at nights
i wish i could die
foods the enemy
its not worth the weight
its getting out of hand
to help me its too late
its a constant fight
its loud in my head
why bother trying anymore
i'm better off this way instead
fuck this writing isnt doing shit anyway..i feel like shit tonite...goodnite all
Jun. 28th, 2004
02:50 pm
i'm trying to climb a mountain
its much bigger than i
but i told myself i'd do it
or at least give it a try
so i started at the bottom
i reached up my arm
took a hold of some stone
i looked at the others
and said i can do this alone
they said we wont push you
but if thats how you wish to climb
we won't keep you from going
remember take your time
so i reached my other hand up..
and pulled my self off the ground
took one look up
and i took another look down
i said i can do this
and i'll do it on my own
i dont need anybody
i can beat this mountain on my own
i left my strings on the ground
and my hope in my heart
this mountain was rather large
but i knew it was time to start
i got a few feet up
and i began to slide back down
and with one single step
i went back crashing down
i lied there on the ground
and asked for a hand
they said you want to do this alone
so on your own two feet you'll stand
well i got up on my knees
and back up on my feet
i didnt want to give up or quit
i wouldnt declare defeat
so i started back up
and i once again fell
i was getting frustrated
and i'm sure they all could tell
but i couldnt ask for help
they wouldn't care to try
because i wanted to do this alone
and it didnt matter why
so i got back up
and let the blood flow
as i took another attempt
but fell once again below
and now i'm learning
i cant do this all alone
i cant beat this mountain
so high and built of stone
but who would help me
and why would they care
i pushed them all away
i dont think they'd be there
but i got to my feet
and took a look around
i looked up to the sky
and all around the ground
and there all around me
from heavens and above
was all the help i needed
and also lots of love
and all i need to do
is is take that outstretched hand
so i can climb this mountain
and on my own to feet land
but first i must learn
to ask for help is okay
because it doesnt make you any weaker
and it makes you stronger in a way
so as i wish to climb this mountain
i know i can't do it alone
i must learn to ask for help
to beat this mountain of stone
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